Guppy!! The Movie®
By Robert Carlson
It was the middle of the Sixth Millennium of the Fourth Regeneration of the
Epochal Universe known as Solquay. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.
It just didn't get any better than that. Atlantis was still in its early stages of finer
development where it had the promise of being among the more noteworthy places to
visit when you had a spare decade or two to kill between jobs.
Although Atlantis was on the rise out of the primordial pea soup that was coughed
up when the cosmic dust settled after the Fourth Calamity that ended the Third
Regeneration of the Epochal Universe of Solquay, it was not destined to live for very
long. What was to befall the elegant Atlantis was a goofup of mind boggling proportions,
and of its own creation. Little did the great thinkers of that great civilization in that great
land on that great watery globe in that puny Universe of Solquay know, they were
assuring their own downfall long before the Fifth Calamity would crush out all traces of
the great works and achievements of the elegant Atlantis anyway.
Women set out in boats every morning to cull from the water millions of tiny
harmless fish with which the great Atlantiseans would stuff their insatiable mouths. The
fish multiplied prodigiously during the Second through Fifth Millennia after they first
evolved and before they were hunted to near extinction by the insensitive fisherwomen of
Atlantis. Thus was the rise and fall of the noble little guppy.
Hundreds of harpoon wielding dinghies made a flotilla of death dealing debris
upon the waters that encircled the legendary city. From the decks of the dinghies the
women cast guppy nets upon the fertile water and hauled in masses squirming gasping
guppies. Their silent cries fell on deaf ears. But who cares, you cannot hear silent cries
anyway. And even if the cries could be heard, the ears were deaf. So either way the
guppies were screwed. What does a guppy net look like anyway? They were one of the
few remaining artifacts that washed up on the shores of the New Federation Land and
was ultimately put to good use. They made numbered jerseys for sports contestants out
of it, after seeing no other worthwhile value in it. It tore easily so no one could get a
good grip on the contestant. Guppies were not very strong. The harpoons were to fight
off the fishing competition. Though the Atlantiseans were civilized they believed in free
market enterprise and a competitive spirit.
In the Early Centuries of fishing, the task was a formidable one, what with all
those tiny hooks and all. A woman could barely eke out a living fishing all day and into
the night. And then she could bring in only a half a dinghy load at a time at that. But
with the invention of the guppy net, all hell broke loose for the guppy population, and the
Great Decimation began. It all started when one fisherwoman, too tired from long hours
at sea, forgot to take the rollers out of her hair before shoving off in the morning.
Normally, no woman of Atlantis would have been caught dead at sea with less than
perfectly coifed tresses, but that day changed history. It began the eventual downfall of a
great civilization. You heard it here first, folks. A woman went out to work with curlers
in her hair and a civilization fell because of it.
It seemed all so benign at first. There she was, a hooker of great talent, hooking
and hauling in the guppies with the best of them. Two, three, four. She was going great
guns. But then a great gust of wind blew across the beam of her craft. It blew so strong
that it took the hairnet right off of her head. It landed in the water near the starboard side
(that's redundant.) Boy was she pissed. Her hair would be a mess all day now. But
fortuitous for her, and to the eventual chagrin of all Atlantiseans, when she retrieved her
curler protection, it was filled with tens, nay hundreds, of tiny squiggling delicious
guppies. All their lives were instantly transformed in that moment of discovery.
The other women saw the evidence when this lone female started back into port
before the sun was hardly above the Eastern horizon with a brimming load of still fresh
guppy spilling over the gunwales of her dinghy. On her head was her hairnet with a
wriggling guppy or two still tangled in its fibers.
The next day she put to sea as early as before but with a bigger boat. She returned
just as early as on the day of the Great Discovery. The other women were sorely amazed
and sore to boot. They wanted to know this woman's secret. But she was not telling.
There was a secondary benefit to returning to shore early in the morning while all the
other women were still toiling far out at sea. Men. She had all of the men to herself.
And she could buy the favors of any one she pleased. That was more difficult than one
would first imagine, what with the smell of a million guppies on your body (and in your
hair) and all.
But the mere release from drudgery of long hours of guppy angling day after day,
week after week, month after month, year after year, decade after decade, --- ENOUGH
Already! Made her discovery well worthwhile. It was not long before the other
fisherwomen were catching on to the new style of wresting sustenance from the sea. A
collective moan arose from the placid waters giving omen to the thing to come. It was
the moan of a trillion guppy vocal chords wailing in unison, for that is what they
normally did on a Friday night after a drinking binge. Salt water when inhaled and
expelled through guppy gills gets them going, greatly gaining, and gradually giddy. But
this moan grew ever more louder and more ominous. But no one was listening.
Everyone was drunk in the euphoria of easy living.
All of the women had free time on their hands. There was time for frivolous
pursuits. There was time for messing around. There was time to invent sitcoms and Soap
Oprahs after taking the time to invent a way to watch them. Women with more time on
their hands than brains in their heads got together with men who had more head in their
hands than brains in their time. The population of Atlantis exploded.
Still the women went to sea to fish the waters and provide the massive amounts of
protein that the ever expanding population demanded. Even with every woman bending
her back over the side of a guppy Supertanker, the insatiable masses could not be
satiated. [Duh!]
Soon there arose the most unlikely of heroes. He was a giant among midgets. He
was two centimeters in length and almost 5 millimeters tall. He was Mr. Guppy, if you
will. He had a mission, a dream, to save the seas for all guppydom. His plan was a
simple one, but hard to implement. Each time he had a suitable knowledgeable
following, they were guppynetted right out of existence. Others proclaimed, "Oh, what is
the use? What can one guppy do to save all guppykind?" It was true. One guppy alone
could not save the species from extinction. Except if he did one thing: Spread the Word.
Mr. Guppy, Superguppy, as he came to be known, was able to change the world.
His plan was laid, the cooperation suitably obtained, the Atlantiseans would rue the day
that saw the invention of the "guppynet."
It was the Last Day. The fisherwomen set out in their monster guppy grabbers
just like the day before. But this day was different. There was something imperceptibly
different about the sea that gray morning. The sun was barely up from the horizon. Its
golden rays shimmered on the lightly choppy waters. What was not obvious to the
women was that the prevailing currents behind them flowed west, those in front of them
flowed east. Similarly, the currents on the portside went north, and the starboard currents
flowed south. As the sun crept higher into the morning sky, the currents increased
steadily. Soon the waves began to show whitecaps, and the water became more choppy.
There was no wind to account for the odd conditions of the sea. Normally a gale force
wind was necessary to produce such conditions. But there was no gale. And even if a
storm was brewing, this would be the calm before it.
The seas became too rough to put the nets out. If they were deployed, it was
probable that they would become entangled in themselves and be useless. Soon the
center of the sea began to drop. The Skipesses of the fishing vessels became alarmed as
the ships began to drift toward the center of the depression. By mid-morning, the
depression had grown quite deep and the currents quite fast. The guppy vessels were
being carried around in a circular motion orbiting the depression, getting closer in on
each pass. No one was able to comprehend the magnitude of what was happening.
By noon the depression had become a full blown whirlpool. Ship after ship
succumbed to the maelstrom and slipped beneath the icy waters of the turbulent sea. By
three o'clock the last fishing tanker had sunk in the swirling waters.
Down below, Superguppy, and his legions were completing their plan. The word
had been spread and it was simple: Just follow Mr. Guppy. Ten trillion obedient guppies
fell into place behind their leader and swam behind him, and he behind them. They had
formed a great guppy school and merely swam tirelessly. They thought he was leading
them to a promised land were no one ever heard of guppynets. But what he had
accomplished was to create a giant circular school of swimming guppies. Their multitude
pressing through the water made the whirlpool that took all of the fisherwomen to a
watery grave.
Atlantis, itself, too, was sucked into the funnel and lost at the bottom of the sea,
never to arise again. It was better to drown in a few minutes than to starve while so much
food smirked just beneath the surface of the water, waiting. Waiting for a brave
Atlantisean to again set toe to water.
The guppies gained an unexpected bounty from their victory. No longer were
guppies people food, people became guppy food, and their numbers multiplied out of all
proportions.
THE END….or is it?
